a poem

for I was a young, young girl

tossing my brush straight hair in the air

on a cold, breezy early morning in the spring

and the one after the latter

of which I knew to be the last 

I saw the crescent from the below

painted paler than the stigma

of my sorrow in the early blue

and I breathed the air within

of all that is

left for me

I watched the moon up above 

the crumbling waters below me

I close my eyes, I fly

over the meadow of dust

and the sea of the unlived

parted by the quick death of a kiss,

forgotten

I was a young, young girl

running through the meadows

and all the mountains without flowers

with my brush straight hair in the air

the sea, the sand

sunset on the long northern waves

washing away the reminiscence of a dream

did I know

now the skies are covered

with clouds ever gray

and the silhouette of a cold, breezy moon

out of sight

I moved to Vienna!

Well.. Only for a couple of months.
So I am here for a very interesting internship position and I have been here for only 5 days now and I am already in love with the city, people, everything basically. My first impressions are that it is a very modern city with historical roots and everyone seems to respect that far more than they do in Istanbul for example. It's a well balanced harmony. In fact, it is also weird for me to see that almost nobody is pretentious in their doings, clothings, or livings. It's almost like there are no statue conflicts. Your personality is more on the surface than your profession or your level of degree and I think that is a great thing. I have talked to everyone from the ground level to top level in our institute and I didn't sense anything different in the way they approach to me. It is such a chill and casual environment. Apart from work, I try to walk for as much as I can in the evenings. I haven't set up a specific route for that yet but everywhere is so magical and it's always a good place where I end up. I already feel like I belong in here. Maybe it was me that came to Vienna, but maybe it was Vienna that was calling me. It was never in my mind, and I didn't know if it was possible, but here I am, and I am more hopeful about my future than I have ever been before. Until next time, Auf Wiedersehen!

Is Happiness a Place or a Person?

Is happiness in the place we go, or is it within us?

Perhaps the reason we cannot find happiness is because we look for it in the wrong places. Or the very reason is because, well, we look for it. What happened to the way we live? Or when did we forget to live? When did the line between doing what we want and looking for remedy in what other people do become so blurred? Was it the time when we started to attach our hopes of happiness to fancy name tags and hefty price tags? Like the time being a cultured person started to depend on pronouncing the longest beverage name at Starbucks? All of these may have made us look like we are doing fun things in good places, but did it make us feel that way?

Happiness is not in the places we go. It is not to be found in the fancy names we hide behind, and it is not sitting and waiting for us in that third wave coffee shop in Amsterdam, either. It is the unknown within us, discovering the tiny flame within ourselves, and sharing it with people who will hold it carefully to let it grow and light up our worlds.

Autumn in Balkans

Yesterday I returned from a road trip of a life time, something I will never forget and always look forward to. It was the most unexpected, the most astonishing, and the liveliest travel I have ever had. It lasted only 4 nights and a few hours, and I slept so little, but I never felt tired while I was watching the geographies differ behind the windows of our bus, the sun setting between the mountains of different regions, and wandering on the streets once were governed by the Ottoman Empire and yet we have so little in common with. I felt scared, though, when we were travelling on Albania's  narrow mountain roads; I felt surprised when Bosnia and Herzegovina turned out to be a more rocky country rather than green; and I felt amazed by the sunset at the top of Kosovo mountains, the colors of autumn have never been so pretty. Here are some of the pictures I took during this tiny adventure.

Pogradec, Albania

Pogradec, Albania 

Porto Montenegro, Tivat, Montenegro

Kotor, Montenegro

Montenegro

Montenegro

Montenegro

Konavle, Croatia

Konavle, Croatia

Trebinje, Bosnia and Herzegovina

Trebinje, Bosnia and Herzegovina

Hercegovačko-Neretvanski, Bosnia and Herzegovina

Hercegovačko-Neretvanski, Bosnia and Herzegovina

Blagaj, Bosnia and Herzegovina

Sveti Stefan Island, Budva, Montenegro

Sar Mountains, Albania

Valley in Kosovo

Kosovo

Autumn Leaves in Kosovo

June Update

It has been a ridiculously exhausting time at school, and it didn't seem to come to an end anytime soon. But here I am, chilling on my sister's bed on a rather calm saturday afternoon, thinking about how unimportant the things that seemed like a big bother turned out to be, and how my life is going in a completely different direction than I could have thought of. I noticed that I don't need validation from anyone in order to feel that I am worthy, instead, I began to distribute my energy in different areas - which turned out to be great idea as I don't even have time to murmur about my low self-esteem anymore. Well, I also feel like there are things I am good at, or even if not so, I'm trying out for stuff and even the fact that I want to learn about new things make me believe in myself and realize the things I am capable of. First came the driving licence, then I started to work part time as an intern student in a law firm (which I am doing full time now), then the watercoloring workshops, and starting from this week yoga and pilates classes. I also started to read more books and recently I am reading Greek tragedies and books concerning the history of art (well, impressionists). So long as I have things to focus on, I will be fine. 👯

Sunday Letter

Is it possible for actions to be as effective as words? I doubt it. Then why do we always long for the other people to understand us through our actions, so miserably? Why do we hide behind our smiles, although we know that most of the time they only overshadow the pain? 

We love, we hate, we forgive, we forget, and we will be forgotten. We only exist in the minds of those we make contact with, that's why it cannot be argued that there's only one of each of us. Our desires, our looks, the way we think and the way we act differs from perception to perception. To live is to be observed, perceived, and understood (misunderstood as well) by our fellow beings. And there is a different me for all those whom I have a stand in their mind. For each and every person that knows me, I will be dead the day they forget me. Until then, parts of me will continue to live with them, the parts that only they saw in me. That's why we are all so unique, but there are also many of us.
And for me, the most interesting part is that, although we go through a lot of change in ourselves and we are aware of this process, we are so prone to stick with the image that we have in our heads when it comes to the other people. As Camus once wrote, "Just as dogs don't change character, men are dogs to one another." So is it possible to say that we die everytime we undergo a change? At least it is obvious that we can not claim that we are who we are thought to be, that's just deceiving. Then who are we? And when are we alive, anyway?